You know me. I'm a HUGE predator fan. Let's get that out of the way, so you know where I'm coming from. If you didn't know that, well you might as well say you don't know me! So of course I've been waiting for sequels, reboots- hell, even REMAKES... anything that was WORTHY of the eponymous franchise that stood strong even after it took not one, but TWO ****** films to tarnish its name. That's like having as many ****** sequels as good ones, folks! Obviously AVP didn't deliver... HAHA, it didn't deliver at ALL, even though I do kinda thing the predator helmets in the movie was pretty rocking. It had a ****** "storyline" (I know you're going WHAT storyline? But hear me out...) horrible actors with the exception of Lance Henriksen, who makes you wonder if he was really THAT strapped for cash, and of course PREDATORS who really were anything BUT. Top that off, the movie was ******* PG-13. You heard me. A movie featuring characters that ripped your spine out of you... became a PG-13 movie. Following this piece of corn-speckled turd was AVP-R. Now, whereas AVP had something sort of resembling a storyline and characters who, though forgettable, were at least written like they were supposed to be, AVPR pretty much went the OPPOSITE route. Gone was the story, or characters. They were there, but they were so flat they might as well have been ******* set pieces. On the plus side, the predator looked and acted more like a PREDATOR should have, and the movie had some good gore... whenever you could SEE it. Seriously, the movie was ******* dark for some reason, and most of it you couldn't even see.
So where am I going with this? Am I actually going to do a review of the movie that came out today, or am I going to just piss and moan incessantly about the last two AVP's? Well, here it is. Ever since I heard Rodriguez, I've allowed myself a cautious sense of hope. When the set pics came, I didn't know what to feel about them, but I've thought- alright. Let's see. Then came the trailer. The pics. The reviews. They were ******* awesome. Did Rodriguez and Antal do the character justice? Was this PREDATORS what we were waiting for? In this review, I intend to just address what I consider to be several key points of the movie that to me really stand out. But first of all, to answer the question...
Yes. Yes it was.
To start off with, the first impression I got of this movie was it was in many ways a clever retread to the first Predator. Alot of the major keypoints, from the suspense of "WTF are we getting into" to the traps, the waterfall... even the ******* mud camouflage. It's there. Unlike AVP-R, however, it was done VERY subtly, and while you feel "omg, predator!", it's not intrusive. It was almost as if they were doing their own twist of P1. That, coupled with the fact that John Debney masterfully recreated the Silvestri score, really drove the point that this was a PREDATOR movie. The plot, however, is different. Several people of different backgrounds are dropped abruptly onto a planet, where they band up in a struggle for survival as they're hunted... by PREDATORS!!
You can't forget also, that this is a very character-driven film. Everything that happens hinges on their decisions, reactions, thoughts. This means the film required- no- NEEDED excellent actors. Especially with the ensemble of Black Ops, soldier in Sierra Leone, a mysterious doctor, serial killer, mercenary, cartel gang member and even a ******* YAKUZA, all of which could have just fallen into their stereotypes and just wallowed in their superficiality (Independence Day, anyone?), the film, at least in my opinion, delivered. First of all, Adrien Brody was the one cast member who everyone went "huh? Really? That skinny jew from The Pianist?" and laughed at. Not in this! I really bought it. He played the battle-hardened, cynical mercenary to a Tee, and it showed. Among them was the ever-badass Danny Trejo as "Cuchillo", a cartel guy who is basically like if you took the long-haired gang guy from SCORPION gang in Predator 2 and aged him a few decades. My biggest surprise was honestly Topher Grace. After he raped Venom in Spider-Man 3, I was going "what the **** was he doing in this movie? Is he going to buttfuck the predator?" but no. He was actually pretty good, for the character he was written. No, he's not a machete-wielding or gun-toting badass, but what he REALLY is, will surprise you. There's also the soldier from Sierra Leone who basically plays a mix of Mac and Billy in a way, in how he's scared shitless as he senses something nobody else does at the time. Oleg Tagtarov is the russian Blaine, except he's not the sexual tyrannosaurus but essentially a gentle giant of a sort. He doesn't seem like a bad guy. Tough, but he's got a level head, somebody who, if not at war, wouldn't mind drinking with ya at the bar. Walter Goggins plays the serial killer who basically reminds me of as the Hudson of the group. You know, Bill Paxton. Except he's ****** up. Hanzo the Yakuza is... japanese. I don't really know what else to add, but he's like the badass samurai type. Adding a more human element to this is Brega playing Isabel, who plays the "heart" of the characters. Finally, Noland, played by Morpheus. He's a loner survivor of this whole ordeal, who, in his 10 seasons against the Preds, has gone a little cuckoo. He plays his character from Apocalypse now, again. Seriously.
But **** the humans, what about the Predators? How are they? Who are they? Are they different? The same?
Well, both. Returning after a long hiatus is the P1 Pred. No, he's not the SAME predator as in P1, but he looks pretty much identical, and that's pretty ******* badass. But then, there are 3 other Predators, who are bigger, stronger... more evil. The Bezzerker, Falconer, and Handler. Bezzerker is the Black Super Pred who is the leader of the trio, featuring a metallic black bio with a jawbone attached to it. Falconer uses a "falcon" looking thing that he uses as a camera, almost. The "eye in the sky". This was a brilliant idea that I'm disappoint wasn't used enough. In fact, it was there ONCE, and that's about it. The Handler, or Tusky as I'd call him due to the big ******* tusks on the bio helmet, is a "buffer" one.
Now, see this is where I was having problems with the movie. These Preds are built up to be these really dangerous ******* killers, from their hunting strategies to fear tactics. It's like each of them were Rambo's or something, and they all looked badass. But then they all died easily. Tusky kills I think ONE guy, who in turn KILLS HIM. WHY? It's like premature ejaculation, except the mess is on the screen, not on your pants. Falconer also disappointed me, since he had an AWESOME final scene.
YAKUZA.
VS.
PREDATOR.
SWORD DUEL!!!!
Then it just kinda ends, as they both die. BUILD IT UP! MAKE IT EXCITING!!!
Still, the movie did GREAT with the character buildup and the suspense, really taking their time revealing them. Seriously, topped with the cherry of Silvestri score, it was like orgasmic cake.
Maybe with this, it's like an orgasmic cake that was on the verge of passing expiry date.
Now, there was another fight that annoyed me. PREDATOR VS. PREDATOR. Sounds ******* KICKASS, right? I thought so too, and while the classic Pred (P1 style) fought the Bezzerker, it really was. But it was again, too short. It was like the fight between the Fallen and Optimus Prime, except in Predators, it didn't prepare you for this **** with a ****** movie.
Finally, the ending. It wasn't bad, but it just felt like a retread of P1 again, COMPLETE WITH ON-THE-SPOT TRAPS AND MUDDY BRODY. WHY, MOVIE? WHY? You were doing so great with clever, subtle references! Why go all out and just making it GLARINGLY obvious?
Then there's the Bezzerker's face. Whereas the Classic pred's face looked AWESOME, since it IS the classic design, the Bezzerker's face, which you thankfully see only very shortly, looked like ****. I'm sorry to those who liked it, but it just disappointed me. I like the swept-back dreadlock look, and I like the different mandible designs, but he just looked like a mutant fish thing from The Mist or something. It just didn't. Work.
So, what the **** are you saying, Joseph? Did you like it or not? You're like THIS IS AWESOME! Then you bitch about **** like the retreads or the Bezzerker's face. WHAT THE **** ARE YOU SAYING, YOU ****?
Well simply, yes. I did like it. In fact, I loved it, up until the very end. It just felt kind of tacked on at the last second, and just lacking the thought that the rest of the movie had going for.
I give it an 8/10.
GO SEE IT!!
