Really sad news askernas
I cannot imagine losing a child...how are you coping if it's not too personal a question?
PM me if you don't want to answer here.
What keeps me going, is really building things. It is what kept me sane during the intense hard times.
I did everything in my power to find a way to prolong her life with quality, to try and find a new treatment, a new medical trial we could be part of. I spent the last year of her life caring for her full time, and during that period, I made it my mission to make her laugh every day.
Towards the end it really got harder and harder, but she was a wonderful and kind soul.
During the entire ordeal I have stopped counting the times where I was obliterated into tiny fragments by worse and worse news, and somehow managed to assembled myself into something that was sort of a functional human being again.
I miss her every day. No exceptions. There are days that are quite ok, and it took some time to understand that it is ok to have a good day. I don't have to feel guilty that I can in fact have a good day on occasion.
I have one tattoo. It is her name on my arm. No dates, just her name. I don't need a reminder that she is no longer here, but rather she is with me all the time.
I need to be challenged, to keep my brain going and solving problems, non stop. I can't really afford to stop and think, because it is very easy to go into a dark place.
Emma loved life. She loved the droids I was building, she loved laughing. I know that she would have wanted me to be happy.
I try to be. Every day.
Facebook memories, holidays and certain dates are the worst. That, along with a full gallery in my phone (and heavily backed up on several places) that I can't fathom myself looking through. There are videos in there and they break my heart every time I stumble across then. Sometimes the masochist in me have to, and I dive deep down into a dark hole of emotions and mourning and watch more clips of her than I really can, and surface up sometime later, usually with a headache, anxiety, and for some reason, the front teeth in both my upper and lower jaw completely numb.
So. I'm not really coping. I am trying to steer my mind away from diving too deep into dark places, while still trying to focus on the positive impact she was on my life. I am a better person for having had her in my life. I know she'd want me to stay that way.
Sorry for the long rant, but that is in short how I cope. Building more and more advanced things and focusing on sanding something smooth for a few hours is strangely therapeutic. Problem solving keeps my brain sort of occupied...
Thank you for asking and for your concern.