Vahalla rising
- Thread starter outlander
- Start date
epilepticsquirl
Sr Member
Netflix suggested that movie to me too. I watched it. I wanted to like it, the concept was interesting. It got 1 star from me. I didn't even let the end play out, decided playing x-box live was more important.
I'm glad someone brought this up. I'm gonna spoil the crap outta this movie, & the irony of it is, that after I've told you the entire movie, I won't really have spoiled anything, because NOTHING HAPPENS during the entire movie (look only if you want to save your time & money):
That's 93 minutes & $5.99 I'll never see again. :angry
First of all, about 80% of the film is in slow motion. If you thought there was a lot of slo-mo in '300', you'd - - - well - - - you'd be wrong as it turns out. At least the slo-mo scenes in '300' ended up going SOMEWHERE.
So there's this pit-fighter who is frakking unstoppable. He's owned by some vikings. He gets loose, kills all the vikings (except for the boy who was like his caretaker), & takes off (with boy in tow).
He meets up with some Europeans who say they're on their way to Jerusalem to defend the Holy Land. For WHATEVER reason, pit-fighter & boy go with them. Their boat gets lost in some fog, they end up in what appears to be North America. Leader European/Christian-guy, says he claims this land in the name of God, & that they will build a new Jerusalem there. Jokers start losing their minds, pit-fighter kills most of them. A couple die on their own, & a couple get offed by the "locals" (who look to be some idiot director's version of some tribe of American Indians).
Finally everyone dies but pit-fighter & the kid. They reach the ocean again, the locals show up, [un-frakking-stoppable] pit-fighter inexplicably drops all his weapons, & the Indians proceed to beat him to death with clubby-clubs. Then they leave.
The kid is standing there looking at the ocean aaaAAAND roll credits.
The worst part is, the longest portions of the film are when NOTHING AT ALL is happening. WALKING FOREVER after freeing himself. SITTING IN THE BOAT FOREVER while they drift through the fog, MINDLESSLY WANDERING FOREVER after they get to land. WALKING FOREVER SOME MORE after everyone loses their marbles.
So, here's the plot/story/synopsis in a nutshell:
Pit-fighting!!11
*WAAAAAALLLLLLKKKKIIIINNNNGGGGG*
Meet Euros.
*DDRRRRIIIIIFFFFFFTTTTTIIIINNNGGG*
Land ho.
*WAAAANNNNDDDERRRRIIINNNGGHERPADERP*
Killing.
*WAAAAAALLLLLLKKKKIIIINNNNGGGGG*
Find ocean.
Queue Indians.
*CLUUUUBBBBB-DEEAAATTTHHHHH*
*STTAAAAARRRRRRIIIINNNNNGGGG*
Fin.
So there's this pit-fighter who is frakking unstoppable. He's owned by some vikings. He gets loose, kills all the vikings (except for the boy who was like his caretaker), & takes off (with boy in tow).
He meets up with some Europeans who say they're on their way to Jerusalem to defend the Holy Land. For WHATEVER reason, pit-fighter & boy go with them. Their boat gets lost in some fog, they end up in what appears to be North America. Leader European/Christian-guy, says he claims this land in the name of God, & that they will build a new Jerusalem there. Jokers start losing their minds, pit-fighter kills most of them. A couple die on their own, & a couple get offed by the "locals" (who look to be some idiot director's version of some tribe of American Indians).
Finally everyone dies but pit-fighter & the kid. They reach the ocean again, the locals show up, [un-frakking-stoppable] pit-fighter inexplicably drops all his weapons, & the Indians proceed to beat him to death with clubby-clubs. Then they leave.
The kid is standing there looking at the ocean aaaAAAND roll credits.
The worst part is, the longest portions of the film are when NOTHING AT ALL is happening. WALKING FOREVER after freeing himself. SITTING IN THE BOAT FOREVER while they drift through the fog, MINDLESSLY WANDERING FOREVER after they get to land. WALKING FOREVER SOME MORE after everyone loses their marbles.
So, here's the plot/story/synopsis in a nutshell:
Pit-fighting!!11
*WAAAAAALLLLLLKKKKIIIINNNNGGGGG*
Meet Euros.
*DDRRRRIIIIIFFFFFFTTTTTIIIINNNGGG*
Land ho.
*WAAAANNNNDDDERRRRIIINNNGGHERPADERP*
Killing.
*WAAAAAALLLLLLKKKKIIIINNNNGGGGG*
Find ocean.
Queue Indians.
*CLUUUUBBBBB-DEEAAATTTHHHHH*
*STTAAAAARRRRRRIIIINNNNNGGGG*
Fin.
That's 93 minutes & $5.99 I'll never see again. :angry
epilepticsquirl
Sr Member
that about sums up what I remember about it. Least now I know how it ended. At least I didn't waste nothing but an evening of my time. Netflix is awesome like that :thumbsup
division 6
Master Member
From the title I thought there was another Clive Cussler book made into a movie.
Solo4114
Master Member
Thanks for saving me the time! Seriously.
Chronos
Sr Member
At least one plus - The movie has gorgeous cinematography.
The story....well....according to the director it plays out like a bad trip. The Europeans even ingest something that plays with their already tripped experience.
What does the film mean? Who do the characters represent? I dunno. I think it was an exploration of the decent into hell. Unfortunate that the audience feels like hell after watching it.
The story....well....according to the director it plays out like a bad trip. The Europeans even ingest something that plays with their already tripped experience.
What does the film mean? Who do the characters represent? I dunno. I think it was an exploration of the decent into hell. Unfortunate that the audience feels like hell after watching it.
My DVD player can jump 5 minutes at a time. I used it quite bit.
Apparently, a bunch of guys try to go to Jerusalem and end up meeting some 'red men'.
How did the pit fighter get like that? I thought that might be where it was heading. But no. The script is like the movie. Lost, going nowhere, and slowly losing its mind.
Apparently, a bunch of guys try to go to Jerusalem and end up meeting some 'red men'.
How did the pit fighter get like that? I thought that might be where it was heading. But no. The script is like the movie. Lost, going nowhere, and slowly losing its mind.
