Not a day passes where I don't feel regret and guilt for what happened. And not a day goes by where I don't think of what could have been.
Never did I set out to try and take money, suits, or anything from people. Never did I try to hurt those I cared about.
I was on a quick rise to success and I couldn't keep up. So once I stumbled and fell, I fell hard. And I spiraled down further, and further. It's taken me four years to gather the courage to face everyone here and say how horribly and deeply sorry I am for everything that happened. I couldn't keep up with the orders - I was one person who had never managed a business before and didn't know how quickly the water was rising. So when everything began to fall apart and people began requesting refunds after fabric had been ordered or work had been done, I panicked. I began drowning and couldn't figure out how to make everything just stop. Past desperately trying to refund people without having the money to give the full amounts, trying to get fabric or sewn suits returned in any way I could, finding myself with hundreds of dollars owed to the bank after refunding until my account was in negatives and still being unable to return to everyone what I owed...
It hit me hard, knowing how many people I had upset, disappointed, or inadvertently ripped off when that was never my intent.
I only ever wanted to create - Create for other people. But once I tripped up, I became terrified. I shut down. I stopped caring about myself or anyone else around me, instead shutting myself away and using sleeping pills to try and escape the disaster I had caused. I hid, lost friends, lost the ability to use my own name without fear, lost the things I cared about most, and disappointed all of you. It got to the point where I actually attempted to commit suicide, because I couldn't face what I had done.
Even now, I know there is no forgiveness for what I've done or the mistakes I have made. I know there is no undoing the past, or returning to cosplay in any form. There is no way to turn back the clock and no way for me to fully express how much it breaks my heart knowing what I did and what I caused. I would hate me, too. But, I have to learn to live with the mistakes I have made. Everyday I fear something will happen and everyday I worry about whether I managed to refund everyone or not. I feel horrible saying it, but because of all the sleeping medication, everything has become... somewhat a blur. I can't remember everything and it makes me feel that much worse, because I can't even remember if or who I still owe. I'd like to say I managed to get everyone refunded to some extent, many months after the fact. Truth be told, though, I can't remember very well. I haven't been able to remember things well ever since I tried to take the easy way out. Just about daily the thought comes up, wondering... And it tears at me, because I don't know.
All I know is that I wish I had never tripped to begin with. I wish I didn't let myself spiral into an endless void of depression. I wish I hadn't woken up to take another sleeping pill each day to escape the mistakes I had made. I wish I had handled everything before letting it get to this. But I was stupid, scared, young... I was one small girl trying to deal with things I didn't even realize I didn't understand. And because of that, I ended up hurting my friends, I ended up hurting the cosplay community, I ended up hurting the RPF community, I hurt everyone I cared about the most and whose thoughts I valued the most. Instead of putting out the fire, I just let it burn while I hid and tried to escape through medication or death. I destroyed everything.
A part of me feels like it's foolish to type this. I feel like I'm just copping out and that I don't even deserve to be here typing this. I don't deserve to be in any of your guys's presence today, and I definitely don't deserve any forgiveness.
But I have to say, have to express, and need you all to know... I'm sorry. I'm so, horribly sorry.
None of this was supposed to happen, and I would have never thought I would see myself become the person to do this type of thing.
But it did, and I can't undo that it happened or how poorly I handled it.
I imagine I'll be getting some upset responses from this post, especially upon people seeing that I am, in fact, alive. But it was something I needed to tell you, because it truly breaks my heart each day knowing that I caused this. I'm so sorry, everyone.
- Dagnie