JJ Abrams presents: Star Wars Episode IX: Return of the Apprentice
It starts with Kylo Ren arriving on an even bigger ice planet, dubbed Starkiller Base 2.0. He tells the commander there to hasten the construction of the superweapon, which at that point was 70% completed; Snoke's not happy with the lack of progress.
Cut to Jakku, where after the events of Episode VIII, Poe is encased in suspended animation in a mirror-like cabinet and kept in the mansion of Unkar Plutt, where his minions party. Threepio and BB8 arrive, apparently as gifts from Rey, to Unkar Plutt, to bury the hatchet. Next, Finn arrives in a bounty hunter disguise, who then frees Poe from his mirror-prison. Unkar Plutt catches them while they're kissing (to appeal to Finn/Poe supporters) and makes Finn a slave boy. Rey arrives, tries to rescue her friends and is captured. They get sentenced to death in the bowels of the Mother of all Rathtars, so big that it resides inside the desert. Rey saves the day, kills Unkar Plutt and all of them escape Jakku.
As Finn, Poe and gang return to the Resistance fleet, Rey visits Luke, who's dying. Before he dies, he reveals that Kylo is Rey's brother (despite them making out in Episode VIII - this to appeal to GoT fans) and that to be a Jedi, she has to confront Kylo one last time. Luke dies and disappears into thin air.
Snoke arrives at Starkiller Base 2.0 happy with the progress.
Once Rey reunites with her friends, the Resistance reveals a plan to attack Starkiller Base 2.0. First, they have to disable the shield surrounding the planet, which is located on an orbiting forest moon, let's call it Hodor (again to appeal to GoT fans). The gang arrives in Hodor, stumbles into a tribe of half cat/half Pikachu-like (to appeal to icanhazcheeseburgers and Pokemon fans) cuddly creatures.
The finale takes place in three battles, the battle on Hodor to disable the shield led by Finn, the space battle to destroy Starkiller Base 2.0 led by Poe and the lightsaber battle between Kylo and Rey before Snoke.
Rey is overpowered by Snoke, and Kylo, in a moment of enlightenment, lifts Snoke and throws him over into, ummm, the fireplace. Rey takes off Kylo's helmet, they kiss passionately (GoT fans go "hooray!") and Kylo dies. Rey leaves the base, it gets destroyed, and the Resistance and their cat/Pikachu allies celebrate, while the Force ghosts of Luke, Kylo and Han (Huh? What?) look on.
Oh, and Chewie finally gets a medal. For staying alive.