While trawling the depths of my computer, I found something.

The Mad Professor

Master Member
Almost ten years ago, I found a little musical for Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan... set to the musical episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

WARNING TO BUFFY PURISTS: In order to fit the dramatic flow of “Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan,” the order of the songs from “Once More With Feeling” has been changed slightly.


Star Trek II Screenplay by Jack B. Sowards
All songs originally by Joss Whedon
New lyrics by Alan Decker and Anthony Butler
(We're combining a four-year-old Buffy episode with a twenty-something year old movie. Do we have our fingers on the pulse of pop culture or what?)


Throughout the overture, Admiral James T. Kirk observes as Saavik attempts the Kobyashi Maru test. After she completely blows up the simulator, Kirk shakes his head and walks off down the corridor, lamenting his situation.

REGRETTING MY PROMOTION (Formerly “Going Through The Motions”)

Every single time
The same assignment
I go out and watch them fight
Still I can’t observe with pure detachment
That should be my chair
With Spock at my right

My resentment grows
I try to pose
Although I’m sure it shows

That I’m regretting my promotion
To the Admiralty
I just want to take a ship and flee

On the Enterprise
I was courageous
Now I’m too far from the fray
Admiral’s rank is nice
But I’ve got star lust
Got to get away

Spock shows up beside him and shoves a book in Kirk’s hands.

Here it’s your birthday

That was yesterday.

Spock moves off as the scene transitions to Kirk’s apartment. Before he can open his mouth to continue, his door bursts open, and Sulu, Scotty, Uhura, and McCoy dance in with McCoy in the lead carrying a bottle of Romulan Ale

Your job really sucks
You’re in a rut
Forget this admiral stuff
‘Cause you’re
Regretting your promotion
Think your ship has sailed

McCoy hands Kirk a glass of Romulan ale. Kirk refuses.

You won’t even drink this Romulan

Can’t command a ship forever
Thought the admiralty’d be better

You can run away.

No. Never.
I can’t go on reeeeeeeeeee-
Gretting my promotion
Thinking of old times
I’ll serve Starfleet yet
By teaching dumb cadets
You folks don’t need to fret
I’m fine!


Sulu, Scotty, and Uhura putter around preparing the ship for departure.

Are we really putting the Enterprise
in the hands of cadets?

Those are our orders.

Aye. That they are.

Just relax. It’ll be fine.

WHY SHOULD WE WORRY? (Formerly “I’ve Got A Theory.”)

Why should we worry?
It’s a cadet cruise
A dull cadet cruise
So sit back ‘til we get there.

Why should we worry?
These kids are bad news
You saw how Saavik smashed up Starfleet's simulator

Why should we worry
With Jim Kirk on board?

We're getting leery
Because we'll spend the movie feeling bored!

There could be a crisis!
A major crisis!
Which is ridiculous because Kirk is here
And he’d save us all without our help
And we don’t count and we never have
And I’ll never get a ship.

Why should we worry?
‘Cause Saavik’s evil!

Scotty and Sulu look at her as though she’s lost her mind.

Why should we...

Uhura suddenly rocks out!

Saavik’s not uptight
Like all the rest of planet Vulcan
She has her pissy days
And curses with emotion
And what’s with all the small shirts?
Why does she get to be in command anyway?
Saavik! Saavik!
I don’t trust Saavik!

Now Scotty and Sulu know she’s flipped her lid. Just as they turn to talk to each other...

I think she’s evil

Why should we worry?
Uhura’s just gone nuts

And there's nothing wrong with showing us
That Vulcan’s bust

Kirk, Spock, McCoy, and Saavik exit the turbolift onto the bridge just as they finish singing.

Why should we worry?
Let’s stop the chatter.

Spock and McCoy shrug and take their usual bridge positions as Saavik slides into the command chair. Kirk starts at the rear of the bridge but gradually moves to the front as he sings.

The Admiral’s here so let’s get going
I hope my melancholy’s showing
I’m getting old
The theme is clear
We’ve hit you all
On the head here.

He’s feeling down. Okay. We get it
We're sick of hearing 'bout his regret
Subtle we’re not
We’ve made it plain
Let’s start the plot.

Let me complain!

He’s feeling down. Okay. We get it

I’m feeling down...

His promotion he really regrets

I have regret...

Can we please start the plot?

And ditch that Saavik.

Everyone else on the bridge shoots her an angry glare.

You wanted a plot? We’ve got a plot. On Ceti Alpha V, Khan Noonian Singh lords over Chekov and Captain Terrell, who are on their knees in EVA suits, writhing in pain as they grasp at their sealed helmets.

EAR BUGS (Formerly “The Mustard”)

Please get...these ear bugs...out!

Please get these ear bugs OWWWWWWWWWWW!

As the Enterprise cruises along, Spock cruises in a turbolift through the ship. The lift stops and the doors open, allowing Lieutenant Saavik to enter.

Captain Spock.


The pair rides in silence for a few moments.

Aren't you supposed to have this turbolift
scene with Captain Kirk?

In the movie, yes, but the writers are taking
a little dramatic license here.

I see. I suppose we should proceed then.
Is something troubling you?

It is. May I speak freely?

Of course. Would you prefer to communicate
via English, Vulcan or musical number?

Musical number.

Very well.

YOU’RE SO LOGICAL (Formerly “Under Your Spell”)

I lived a life of logic
As part of a pointy‑eared race
It didn't seem so bad, though
I figured that was my place
And now I'm mad with fright
Something just isn't right

You're so logical
More logical than me
Please teach me the way to be
It's logic I can tell
How you keep your peace
Make it seem so damn easy

I saw a world infested
Feelings and love in the air
I always took for granted
My logic’s better than theirs
But your logic shows
It's better than any I've known

You're so logical
Nothing I can do
I wish I could mind‑meld with you
You keep your calm so well
Finally, I knew
Everything I thought was true
You made me believe

Secrets that I hide
Swelling with Romulan pride

You're so logical
Ears are all pointy
Wanting to be so blase
I think I'm stuck in hell
Frigging ecstasy
Logic’s not a part of me

You make me com‑pete
You make me com‑pete
You make me com‑pete
You make me...

Meanwhile, Admiral Kirk receives an urgent message on the monitor in his quarters from Carol Marcus. Her image and voice are distorted on the screen.

Jim! Is that you?

Um...yes. Do I know you?

It's Carol!

Er...you're going to need to be a little
more specific.

Carol Marcus!

I think I know that name.


Oh, Carol! Right! Sure.

Jim, they want Genesis!

Who? What do they want with Genesis?
I don't think Phil Collins is even around
anymore, so a reunion is out of the question.

Not that Genesis!

Oh! The planet maker thingy. Gotcha.

Carol's message disintegrates. Kirk, realizing this could be trouble, gathers Spock and McCoy in his quarters to fill them in.

I just got word from...a Carol-somebody
that somebody else wants Genesis. Before
we take action, though, you should know
what Genesis is. I have a film.

Is there popcorn?

Who's playing Phil Collins?

One animated spectacular later, the fully‑informed officers head up to the bridge and send the Enterprise hurtling toward Regula One.

Some time later, the Enterprise detects the USS Reliant heading its way. What the Enterprise crew doesn’t know is that we’ve secretly replaced the Reliant’s crew with a bunch of pissed off 20th Century genetic supermen. Let’s see what happens...

As the Enterprise and Reliant approach each other, Khan sits imperiously in the Reliant's command chair, watching his quarry come closer.

ALL SHOT TO HELL (Formerly “I’ll Never Tell”)

There is the ship that I plan to disable
Phasers are primed
Kirk's toupeed head will be brought to my table
Vengeance is mine
The last vic'try was his
But I'll win now 'cause I'm a whiz
Just wait 'till his ship is
All shot to hell

Meanwhile, on the Enterprise bridge, Kirk considers the Reliant.

There is a ship
It's a Starfleet starship
But why in this place?
Floating out there should I care
That it's there
In space
Out in space!
They really should have hailed
Something's wrong. Could their comm have failed?
If they shoot we'll be ‑‑ nailed
All shot to hell

KIRK _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ KHAN
But who'd shoot us to hell? _ _ _ _ But I'll shoot you to hell

He's mine

She's coming

Prepare to raise the shielding

I've got a funny feeling
And I can't say why

We'll soon‑‑be blasting

The regs here are exacting

Our phasers will be lancing
'cross their hull's white side

Oh wait
Our ships are friendly

Just two ships that should by chance meet

Just a part of one big nice fleet

Just no need to call a retreat

I know all will be well

KIRK_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ KHAN
'Cause no way we're shot to hell_ _ _ _ _ _ _'Cause you'll be all shot to hell

vWhen things get tough then
He just hides behind his Vulcan
And soon he will be sulkin'
'Cause I've shot up his ship

I'm bored. Of waitin'
When's something gonna happen?
They shoulda‑‑

Okay. Start shootin'!

The Enterprise rocks under the first barrage.

This is my ship, Hello! We‑‑

More shots from the Reliant.

Look at that! We hit them! Crazy!

Phasers blast and stuff on the Enterprise explodes as the jaunty musical interlude plays.

You know...

We should have raised shields

Go taste how that feels!

They knew just the spots to hit us
Puts an end to all my fleet trust
And for now they've left us
Dead in space!

More sprightly music as Reliant fires one more time.

They're gone

We're gonners

And now it's time to talk terms

Look there on the viewscreen
It's that crazy Khan guy

Kirk, my old friend
You're life has reached its due end
It's Genesis that you'll send
Give Spock a hug bye

Not long
Until the time's up
He's strong
But on these thoughts I can't dwell

Could we send the ship its prefix code?

Will Genesis be a motherload?

Khan, you've got to give us more time
'Cause the data we just can't find

Kirk, come on. Your fate, it beckons
You've got less than sixty seconds

Here it's comin'

Shields are droppin'

Now our phasers start a blastin'

The Enterprise's weapons savage Reliant.

And that final bit of shooting
Is this battle's death knell
We're hit and all shot to hell
My ship is all shot to hell

Choking on smoke

We have to flee

No time for glee
We barely won

All shot to...HELL!

There's a whole lot of stuff that happens here. Really exciting stuff, I assure you. The Enterprise reaches Regula One. Kirk, Saavik and McCoy beam aboard the station. They find Chekov and Terrell. They beam into the Regula moon and find Carol and David Marcus. Did you know David Marcus was Kirk’s son? Talk about drama! And David doesn’t like his Dad! Like I said, it's quality stuff. None of it involves singing, though, so we're just going to skip right on up to the very tense moment just after Terrell and Chekov have told Khan where Genesis is. Khan's beamed up the Genesis Device, Chekov has collapsed, and now Terrell has a phaser pointed at our heroes! Whatever will they do! Listen to a song. That's what...

TERRELL’S LAST GASP (Formerly “Parking Ticket”)

I've got a creature in my brain
Can't seem to put my phaser away
I'm gonna kill you, Bones.
It's in my head, came through my ear.
And now it's telling me to fire!
It has its tendrils everywhere!

Why can't I let it go?
I think it's making me aware
That Khan wants you to despair
Maybe I'll shoot myself right here!

Astoundingly enough, he does. And for one brief shining moment, Khan believes that his old adversary is dead. But then Kirk just has to get on the commline and spoil everything. Fortunately (for Khan anyway), our antagonist recovers quickly and makes some lemonade out of the proverbial lemons.

THE GLOAT OF KHAN (Formerly "What You Feel")

So you're still alive
Despite all my guile
But you'll have to survive
Way deep inside a great rock pile

You stranded us on Ceti Alpha
Fifteen years until I escaped and got ya
So I win the day
Looks like you're stuck a while

I'll take Genesis
While you sit and rot
That's the way it is
And right now you can't do squat
Now for your ship I'll be a gunnin'
I'll blast their britches off
I'll send the torps in
Call your next of kin
You're stuck in quite a spot.

And I know how you feel, Kirk
I know just how you feel, Kirk

So you're going to come down and
face me? Fight me man‑to‑man?

Khan laughs.

All this battling
It goes on too long
Why waste energy?
When I can just sing this song
Enterprise is damaged and waiting
A wounded bird just ripe for the plucking
And you'll sit helplessly
Knowing they're dead and gone

The time has come
So long old chum
Its time to end this scene
It's nice to know that I'm hurting you so
Now let me hear you scream

'Cause you're stuck stranded here, Kirk

You're a twit
Who can't hit
A target
Come here and see

I've buried you, Kirk

You took this
But you missed
my whole body

You're stuck inside the Regula moon
And no help will be coming real soon

We can fight
Prove your might
Here tonight
Just beam down here

I'm not biting
Sit there and glower
You're just a zero
While I've got the power

Think your tough
Show your stuff
Where is great Khan the killer?

Kill you? Oh, I've done far worse than
kill you. I've hurt you. And, I wish to go
on hurting you. I shall leave you as you
left me‑‑as you left her‑‑marooned, for all
eternity, in the center of a dead planet:
buried alive.

Now we've reached the end
You're stuck in quite a spot


Kirk soon realizes that Khan has hung up on him...either that or he lost the comm signal. The reception stinks inside a planet. With a shrug, Kirk plops down on the grass in the Genesis cave to wait. Soon, Saavik approaches him.

Admiral, about the Kobyashi Maru...

So you want to know how I beat it.

No, actually, I was interested in my
Performance in the sim...

Too late. Kirk’s already burst into song.

LET ME TRY TO CHEAT (Formerly “Let me Rest in Peace”)

I tried
So many years ago
To beat Starfleet’s Academy’s
No-win scenario
And although I flunked it many times,
I think I finally showed,

You’re scared
Afraid that you might fail
And you can’t seem to save your ship
From all of those travails
Raise the shields, and arm the torps
You know it isn’t real

That's great
But I don't wanna play
'Cause losing really rankles me
More than I can say
And since my crew’ll die real soon
I’m gonna find a way
So let me try to cheat

Let me try to cheat
Let me get this beat
Let me reprogram this simulator
So that I can get some sleep
I risked everything to win
But I’m still in Starfleet
So let me try to cheat

You know,
Kobayashi’s saved
I just love to think about
All those admirals who’ll rave
And when they do
I’m telling you
That I can find a way
So let me try to cheat

I know I should go
back inside the sim, and retake the test
There’s a simulator, that’s what I know best
And I love it more than you’d ever guess
But I love that I just passed that test
but I can see you're unimpressed
So leave me be and
Let me try to cheat
Let me get this beat
Let me reprogram this simulator
So that I can get some sleep
I risked everything to win
But I’m still in Starfleet
So let me try to cheat
Why won't you
Let me try to cheat?

Meanwhile, up on the Enterprise, Chief Engineer Montgomery Scott is facing a decidedly untidy engine room. It’s amazing what a mess a crippling attack can make. Unfortunately for Scotty, Captain Spock is demanding little things like transporters and main power. What’s an engineer to do? Sing to his ship. That’s what.

REPAIRING IN MY WAY (Formerly “Standing in the Way”)

You're not ready
For a Reliant fight
But Spock keeps calling
And I cannae hide
I know I said that I’d
have engines back online
But I...

The shields are beaten
And the engines died
The warp field’s failing
And the phasers fried
Spock told me two days,
but I think that he lied
But I ...

I wish I could align
The warp core
To get us on our way
Wish I could arm the phasers
in hours ‘stead of days
Wish Khan would pay
But I’m only one man
And I’m repairing in my way

Below Regula,
the Captain’s stuck
And Spock knows I’m here
To fix this junk
But he told the Captain
It’d be hours ‘stead of days
But I

I wish I could
Work a miracle
And save the day at last
Wish I could
Start the engines
But now their time has passed
Wish I had the power
But I dinnae, I guess
But I'm
In my way
I’m just repairing
In my own way

Back inside the Regula Moon, Lieutenant Saavik has discovered to her well-disguised horror that Admiral Kirk evidently plans to keep telling stories about his career until they all die of old age. This wasn’t exactly how she planned to spend her career. Soon, she begins a lamentation of her own as Scotty continues his on the Enterprise. Thank the Great Bird for split-screen or this would never work.

WISH KHAN WOULD PAY (Formerly “Under Your Spell/Wish I Could Stay (Reprise)”)

It's not logical.
Spock, how can this be?
Leaving Kirk down here with me
Oh how his head does swell.
Of his captaincy
He insists on telling me
I need a reprieve

Reprieve me now, my engines. Go!

'Cause if you leave me
It will end this show
The final blow

SCOTTY _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ SAAVIK
Wish I could fix the warp core _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ Wish I could trust that you'll come back for us
To get us on our way _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _Since we're stuck inside this crust
Wish I could arm the phasers _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _My lovely bust will turn to dust
In hours 'stead of days _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ All gone and I just...

Wish Khan would pay
Wish Khan would pay
Wish Khan would pay
Wish Khan would pay

But wait! It was all a ruse! Kirk and Spock had a plan the entire time! Soon, everyone is back on the Enterprise and rushing around as they’re prone to do in crisis situations.

Wait! You said the repairs would take

No uncoded communications on an
open channel.

It’s a regulation or something. Hours became
days, and now we have minutes instead
of hours, and that means the seconds
have gotten really really short!

You could have let me in on it!

But then it wouldn’t be this cool

The crew reaches the bridge, and the Enterprise races (and really that’s a generous term for it) toward the Mutara Nebula with the Reliant in hot pursuit. When the Reliant shows signs of dropping back, Kirk has Uhura do that channel opening thing she does so well to goad on his adversary.

LIMP TO MUTARA ( Formerly “Walk Through The Fire”)

I’ve fought you, Khan
And you’ve battled me
Loads of hard feelings we don’t lack
You thought me killed
But I’m returning still
I just keep coming back

Kirk signals for Uhura to cut the channel.

My ship is broke
Can’t get much speed
I’ll change the way we play this game
To stay alive
We’ll slip in there and hide
Our ships will be the same

So we will limp to Mutara
Where purple gasses churn
We will limp to Mutara
And he’ll go...

Meanwhile on the Reliant there sits one really angry 20th century genetic superman.

That man out there
Keeps tasking me.
And I will have him there’s no doubt.
Oh he can run
But I will have my fun.
This fight will be a rout.

Back on the Enterprise, the angst-ridden song-fest continues...

So we have limped to Mutara...


SAAVIK _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ KHAN
And we may not return _ _ _ _ _ _ _ He will not return

And we have limped to Mutara
Where he’ll go...

Khan’s technique, it shows no range, sir
To space fights he is a stranger
We could catch him where he’s unaware.

Standing by, sir, on the weapons.

Is he thinking of my engines,
As he sits there in his captain’s chair.

Kirk gets us through.
That’s why we’re glad to be his crew.
So we will limp through Mutara...

So in this place he can’t see me
He says revenge is best served cold.

Out there in space, it’s frosty weather.

We have him now
We’ll shoot him up and how!
I’ll prove I’m not so old./I]

The Enterprise shoots the utter crap out of the Reliant. Cue the singing over one another!

We have hit him with the phasers.

Not much longer
Hold together

I feel like I’m flying in the dark

Regretting my promotion
Ship’s captain is my part

Mains are done for
No warp power

That shockwave will be a killer

I’ll go down and get us
Out of park

They will die with me!

This really blows
We’re are just sitting here like shmoes

And we are caught in Mutara
Our lives will end real soon
So we will die in Mutara
When we go boom
We’ll go boom
We’ll go boom
We’ll go boom!

Despite being defeated, charred, battered, and pretty disgusting looking, Khan finds the energy to gloat a little...

KHAN GO BOOM (Formerly “Sweet’s Reprise”)

Well this really sucks
I guess it's my farewell
But you're sitting ducks
Time to ring the final bell.
Genesis will end all this hardship
Try to leave us now
Once more with starships
My revenge is done
I stab at thee from heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelllllllllllllllllllll

Sir, the mains are back online!


Go, Sulu!

The Enterprise zips away at warp speed.

HEY! That’s not how this is supposed to...


And they lived happily ever after...for about five seconds. Then Kirk gets the call from engineering.

Jim...You better get down here.

Not right now, Bones. I’m basking the glow of victory.

It’s important.

So is basking.

McCOY (whispering)
It’s Spock.

What? I can’t hear a thing you’re muttering.


Spock, it’s for you.

He looks over at the science console and realizes that his friend and science officer is missing. The light dawns. Kirk’s face fills with horror, he goes racing down there, sees Spock, yada yada yada. You know the drill. Separated by the protective glass (or transparent aluminum or whatever) of the chamber where Spock is dying, the Vulcan informs his long-time friend Kirk of the logic of his actions...

KATRA (Formerly "Life")

You're my friend,
And you will always be
But now it's time for me
to die right at your feet

Now that we
Were able to stop Khan,
From screwing up this song
Why don't you run along?

Now I call,
It quits
But the ship
Is fixed
Do not grieve
My friend
I know you
will get
what you
most want

To lose the Admirals bars
To fly among the glittering starrrrrrrrrrrrrs

It's logical
It's logical

It's so human to cry and pout
You've no reason to cry and pout

Many’s needs
Outweigh the needs of few
There's nothing left to dooooooooo
I'm dying pretty soon.

Still we're friends
Will be forever more
And who knows what's in storrrrrrrrre
See you in Star Trek Four....

I can't stand
All those E-
You and I
are friends
But now it
Must end
Well that

On if you let me go
On if you know enough to know
In McCoy's mind
I'm left behind

There was no pain,
No fear, no doubt
Till I gave away
My katraaaaaa.

So that's my refrain
My brain's on loan
I gave it to Bones
My Katraaaaaa.
The doctor has my Katraaaaaa

So go to Vulcan and yank it out
Please go to Vulcan....

Spock begins spasming and flinging himself around the dilithium chamber until finally, as the music reaches its most frantic, he dies.

Now that he's gone
I wander what
My good friend Spock
Was saying?
This pain that I feel
Only can heal
By Trekking.
I have to go on trekking
So one of us is trekking....

The hottest air in this room
comes from the Admiral

With the adventure at an end, the remaining crew of the Enterprise gathers in the torpedo room to launch Spock’s corpse into space. As the torpedo casket moves down the track, a song begins, and it sure as hell ain’t Amazing Grace.

HOW CAN WE END IT HERE? (Formerly “Where Do We Go From Here?”)

How can we end it here?

How can we end it here?

The movie’s done
And we blew up Khan

But we lost someone who’s dear
How can we end it here?

Why is my head unclear?
Feel that Spock’s brain is near

Understand we’ll be back again
There’s a sequel due next year

Help me!

How can we end it here?
Kirk’s life is back in gear
McCoy is acting weird
And Spock’s return
Is a big concern
We can tell Trek Three is near

How can we end it here?

How can we end it here?

How can we end...IT HERE?

On the Enterprise bridge, with his crew, ex, and son gathered around, Kirk looks at the Genesis planet on the viewscreen, reflecting on what has transpired.

CODA (Formerly “Coda” oddly enough)

I fought with Khan
Vic’try was not free
I can’t believe that I’ve lost

I’ve died, but we’ve four films to go

KIRK _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _SPOCK
I have no fear _ _ _ _ So you can find me here

I know I’ll come back here.

How can we end it HERE?

Booming crescendo and cue the closing credits!

This thread is more than 9 years old.

Your message may be considered spam for the following reasons:

  1. This thread hasn't been active in some time. A new post in this thread might not contribute constructively to this discussion after so long.
If you wish to reply despite these issues, check the box below before replying.
Be aware that malicious compliance may result in more severe penalties.