Predator Home World War, Story (No Humans)

[berserkerelite]

Ok so i tried writing before, but failed badly. So i decided to try again, but kick the humans out. I do hope this is better than my past attempts, just thought i would share it, hope you like  it
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Predator
Home world war

The hunter moved through the vast jungle of Yautja prime, quickly upping his pace as he went, he was in a highly dangerous territory that he was in a hurry to get out of, there was stories amongst many Yautja clans about a vicious bad-blood who lived out here, that wore pure black armour to go with his grey skin, the Dark Blade, who cruelly killed other hunters and any other prey that dared to enter his territory.

As he ran, the hunter noticed a biomask on the floor, very damaged and covered in green blood, but he could still make out his clan mark he paused for a moment to respect his hunt brother's death it but didn't dare go near the mask in Case it was a trap.
He ran even faster this time, there were Yautja skulls on sharpened sticks in places, skinned hunters and hunters without their heads. This was enough even to strike fear into an experienced hunter's heart.
 
He stopped; there it was again, a noise like the movement of wolves as they stalk their prey. The hunter's plasma caster went up and he clenched a fist. Suddenly a smart disk came flying through the air, uncloaking as it came and sliced deep into his leg.
He roared in agony, and fell to the floor, he reached for his self-destruct device, if the dark blade was here, he was sure to die anyway, and he diden't want to be dishonoured like those others, but something attacked again, this time slicing his arm clean off, He cried out again, but another hunter appeared above him with grey skin and night black armour, the Dark blade!

The hunter realised in horror what had happened, and the Dark blade grabbed him by the neck and pulled him up, he looked at him for a few seconds and then let him go, but quickly smacked him so hard round the face in knocked his biomask off. The Dark blade loomed over him, like another one of the trees, and with a quick swing of his wristblade, beheaded him, and held the head high with pride. Around him more hunters appeared, his clan, also celebrating another victory.

 

[MiamiSett]

Pretty cool.  One suggestion when writing about the Predators is maybe to try and say Predators much less, or maybe don't say it at all.  My point is that we know your story is about the classic Yautja Predator and the entire Universe spawned by it, however the term Predator, is just the name of the film title trying to describe the enemy.  In all of the literary works of Predator including the comics and novels, they really never refer to them as Predator.  Use more descriptive words, like hunter, blooded, veteran and less of the film title in your story.  This is my opinion.  Your story has some cool moments in it that were really good.  Keep it up!

 

[berserkerelite]

Thanks for the advice bud, i have taken it into account in the next piece i have done.



 The hunter carried his trophy down the dark ship corridor to the display room, he and the rest of his clan had just been on a hunt and were now returning home,  he slid his clawed finger across a touch pad which opened the door to the room, there were cabinets full of skulls everywhere, skulls from many creatures across the universe, gathered slowly over the many years.

 He walked towards one cabinet and looked around for a brief moment to find a spare spike, he soon spotted one, and slammed the skull onto it, he stood back and looked,  admiring his kill along with its collection.
He went to walk out of the room, and go about his work when suddenly there was an almighty explosion behind him it tore the trophy cabinets to pieces,  flames and pieces of ship flew everywhere knocking him forward, the  hunter was lucky not to have been injured.

 He got up knowing that it had come from the left wing of the ship which meant it was very serious, he quickly ran down the corridor into the control room where a  red light was bleeping on the ships sat-com model, the captain yautja was pressing buttons very quickly, the hunter could see that this yautja was trained for a situation like this, two more hunters came into the room waiting for the captain to do something  to stop the ship from losing altitude, he clicked to them and they ran off  to do whatever the captain had told them to do.

The captain turned to the hunter who understood the command to pull the lever beside him.
As soon as the lever was pulled, a pod was dropped from the rear end of the ship, the captain grabbed something, so did the hunter, they could feel themselves dropping down to the surface of yautja prime,  too  fast to make a clean landing.

The ship hit the planet's surface with some force, it bounced two or three times before it skidded over a cliff and dropped into the valley below, the captain and the hunter clinging on for life.  what was left of the ship landed on a large rockery beside a waterfall with great force, causing part of the ship to collapse in.

 

[ancientpredator]

The story sounds OK. 
Maybe you can use some advice in this. Let me show you some points in your story which are... well Ok, but you can go a new way!

1. In your story the weakness of the yautja is visible.
2. And a sort of teamwork which isn't as strong as expected.
3. An earth vibe is clearly visible in your story.

What makes a story intresting

1. Unexpected twists
2. Complete no earth way of thinking or reasoning

I have some experience in coaching writers.

 

[berserkerelite]

Ok, advice is always welcome and apreciated, i really wanted to take a shot at writing the story of an extremely dangerous blood and six other yautja that were trapped in his territory, only problem is, i can never really find the correct words/ techneqes to use. for this i have watched bits from all the predator/ AVP films again, to try and pick up the body language and movement of the predators, because its more difficult as i do not want them to be talking to each other even if i do mention its translated from their language to english . so as always i do my best to take peoples feedback and points into account. here is another part to the story.



The hunter awoke on the rock dazed from the crash, his vision mode was broken so he removed his biomask and threw it in the water. His mandibles twitched, he looked at his surroundings it seemed fairly quiet, apart from the ships debris and the flames that were slowly burning out.  The hunter walked towards what was left of the ship to see if any of his hunt brothers had survived the crash as well. As he moved closer to the ship, he noticed the captain, impaled on a shard of the ships metal he walked over to him and placed his hand on his body and bowed his head, as a sign of respect. The hunter then removed the captain’s biomask and placed it on his own face. This one was not broken, he looked at the ship, seeing the intense heat coming off the ship made him wonder if any of them could have survived.
 He saw the shape of five other Yautja emerging from the ruins of the ship coming towards him he opened up a sat-com on his wrist and turned around as the others stood behind him and looked. The sat-com showed a three dimensional image of where they were, they could only see jungle, deep vast jungle he closed it down, the only thing the six hunters could do now is head into the jungle. One of the others searched around with his targeting laser hoping to discover something of use, they were all armed with only wrist blades and there were no weapons in sight.
 He targeted something big, all the hunters ran over to it to see if it was any use to them. It was Yautja technology, a pod one of the hunters ran their clawed finger down the touchpad and it opened up. Weapons, lots of them, enough to arm them all! Plasma casters, net guns, smart disks, spears, daggers and more. They all took a few moments to arm themselves up. They turned to each other, then looked ahead, this was the direction they would head in, leaving the pod completely empty, they headed into the jungle.

Silently, another Yautja watched them leave, he had the dark blade mark on his chest plate and he pressed on his wrist console to send a signal to the dark blade, at the camp, the dark blade received the signal, and locked onto his hunters signal. He examined the area by sat-com and picked up the other six hunters. He roared in rage that they dared to enter his territory, two hunters de-cloaked behind him he turned his head to both of them  and looked back to the original direction he was facing the two bad bloods walked off in the direction their leader was facing.

The hunt had begun…   

 

[ThePriest]

This is good stuff !! where the hell is the rest !!! don't leave us hanging man !

 

[berserkerelite]

thanks for the compliment bud, its greatly apreciated  . here is some more, with the first confrontation with the bad bloods. hope you enjoy.




Night finally fell and the six hunters carried on through the jungle when one of them stopped, they all stopped with him, wondering what was going on. The hunter that had stopped used his biomask’s zoom function to look closer at what he thought he saw, he pointed his wrist console in the direction he was looking, and used the built in spear launcher to fire at the target, there was a clash, the trap had been activated and it shot ten miniature spears in the air and snapped shut. One hunter looked at him and looked back at the trap.

They all carried on moving they had passed it as a stray trap, nothing more. But they heard a noise, in the trees one of them walked slowly into the brush, disappearing from sight, the others drew their wrist blades and raised their plasma casters ready for a fight with an enemy clan. The one that had went away to try and find out what the noise was looked around by the edge of the cliff, the fast flowing water below. He turned around to re-join the others.
 Suddenly a blade swiped down and slashed his biomask so hard his head was swung around, he was kicked in the back by something that sent him over the cliffs edge, he landed on his back on a rock, he quickly got up and drew his wristblades.

Suddenly a bad-blood appeared in front of him and tried to attack again, but he defended himself and countered slashing the bad-blood’s upper arm. The bad-blood growled at him, he responded by clicking, they charged for each other again clashing their wrist blades together duelling  they tried to attack each other many times but they both defended. Finally the bad-blood managed to slice his opponent’s chest but he responded with a critical stab blow to the abdomen. The bad blood staggered back, the hunter kicked him in the chest, sending him flying backwards and into the river.

He floated on the surface for a few moments as the river carried him downstream, leaving a trail of eerie green in the water before he finally submerged into the depths. The hunter watched as he went down, and the other five appeared on the top of the cliff, there was a steep slope nearby he could climb to get back to the top. The others saw the still warm blood on the rock, they recognised it as Yautja blood and realised that this must be bad-blood territory.

 They wandered back to where they were and as they reached the clearing, they came face to face with two elite Bad-bloods.

 

[MiamiSett]

I'm wondering how many Bad Bloods there are.  As they just took one out, or did they, how many more will they have to face, potentially. 

 

[berserkerelite]

They are in bad blood territory, so i'm thinking about how many there would realistically be,  and the bad blood clan leader will come into this somewhere before long. i am sorry i have not written any more lately, i have been pre-occupied with other stuff. but hopefully there will be more soon.

 

[berserkerelite]

Ok so i managed to get some more done over the past few days. here you go.

One of them charged at the bad blood on the right, he was only a Youngblood, but he wanted to challenge himself.  Unfortunately the bad blood saw this as a challenge too and accepted.  He kicked the Youngblood back and went to swing at him with his wrist blade,  but one of the others defended the Youngblood with his wristblades  he growled at the bad blood angrily, the bad blood breathed heavily to show his anger. They began duelling, one of the others joined in,  it became two verses one fight.

Two of the others went to join in, but the other bad blood stood there and clicked angrily. They both took on this bad blood, duelling with their wristblades, the bad blood, realising he was outnumbered used his plasma caster. The other two fled his shots; one of them responded by throwing a shrunken back at the bad blood, it knocked him down. They both ran in for their kill, but he had gone! They looked around cautiously seeing if they could spot the bad blood. He appeared very quickly, knocking one of them to the floor he went to attack the other one, but the Yautja that was down on the ground grabbed the bad bloods foot, tripping him over.  The other hunter grabbed his Combistick from behind him and stabbed the bad blood right in the neck.  They roared to celebrate their victory.
The other two came back victorious too, they went to team up with the other two back at the clearing, behind the trees. But what they found made them stop dead in their tracks. The youngblood lay dead on the floor with two plasma holes on his body, one through his chest, the other through his abdomen.
But it wasn’t that that actually managed to shock four elite hunters. It was their other comrade hanging in the tree, without his head and skinned!
Skinned, that was what Yautja did to their prey, not each other. never each other. There was only one known Yautja that would do this, the Dark blade! He had been here, he had overseen the whole battle between both his clan members and the four hunters, and waited till the last moment to strike and kill two of the hunters.
The remaining four decided to leave their comrades to rest, they left the clearing and as they did, the dark blade watched them from the trees.

 

[berserkerelite]

Well, i have done a little more.  I am thinking of ideas mainly now as to what may happen next, i know i want the scared predator (paragraph four) to face ripper again. If you have any ideas/ suggestions on anything please feel free to post it here or PM me.

Anyway for now, heres another peice.


The dark blade took the hunters head back to his camp; he impaled it on a sharpened stick in the ground that he had previously prepared, amongst the other Yautja skulls. He walked towards two bad bloods that moved out of the way to reveal a young Yautja that had his hands tied behind his back. He looked up at the dark blade to which the dark blade tilted his head to taunt him in a way. The dark blade grabbed the Youngblood by the neck and pushed him hard against a tree growling viciously then clicking calmly as he closed in to look at the Youngblood, who was very badly injured from being captured. The dark blade released his grip but then quickly stabbed him with his right wrist blade in the chest; the Youngblood fell to the floor having been executed. The dark blade did not care for honour, fair fighting or the hunt, he would just kill, execute Yautja without giving them a chance to defend themselves. And now he wanted the last four hunters.

Two of his most trustworthy clan members appeared behind him, one of them was known as ripper because he carried two Yautja swords with him with which he used to tear his prey to shreds. The other was called the serpent because his skin was green in colour and his prime weapon of choice was the razor whip. They all ran off into the jungle to find the last four hunters.


The four hunters carried on their journey through the great jungle, they were watching out all the time for more bad bloods, they knew they needed to get out of Dark blade’s territory, but they dident know the boarder.  Suddenly a tri-laser crawled up one of the hunters, he backed away and the others armed up. Three Yautja came out from the bushes, and the one in front turned off his laser beam. They too, had been lost in the dark blade’s territory. One of the hunters clicked and one of the Yautja that had just appeared responded. The two clans  teamed up,  they would find the dark blades ship at his camp together, and cut down any bad bloods they came across.

Night fell, and one of the hunters looked to the three different sized moons. He had two huge scars across his chest, crossed over each other. He had encountered ripper before, that’s where the scars were from,  A fight broken up by ripper being unable to escape from a stray trap. He wondered if ripper had even survived his injury’s but he knew that if he didn’t, dark blade was out there hunting them down, like they were not honourable hunters, but mere prey like they were a completely different species from each other. But they were elite Yautja, and if they could find dark blade, they would kill him and avenge their hunt brothers.

 

[berserkerelite]

Done some more, now Ripper and Scarred face each other again to each try and finish what they started.


The hunters set up a camp, for them all to return to when they came back from hunting bad bloods. They marked the territory with their trophies that they had been carrying, and hung up a creature they had previously killed. They searched around the area, to make sure there were no enemy’s in sight; it was all clear so they decided to try and hunt down the bad bloods. They split off into groups of two and went in different directions, of they found the ship, then they would send a transmission through to the others.

The scarred hunter and his hunting partner reached a rocky clearing after a while, there were huge drops in places so they had to jump over them, they continued to walk across when ripper came into view and stood in their way. Scarred turned to his hunting partner and roared, the other hunter knew what this meant and ran off, this was Scarred’s fight, his revenge for the scars, it was time to finish the battle that had started long ago!

Ripper clenched his swords tightly, and Scarred drew his wrist blade, Ripper swung his swords and tried to take Scarred’s head off, but he dodged and attempted a counter which ripper blocked. They stood for a moment, glaring at each other before going for one another again, each time trying to wound their opponent. Ripper crossed his swords and Scarred slammed between the crossed swords with his wrist blade, but Ripper twisted them, chopping Scarred’s wrist blade short, making it useless!  Scarred grabbed his combi spear and duelled with that instead, managing to wound Ripper with two scars, crossed over each other mocking him like he would inferior prey.
This made Ripper go berserk, so much that he managed to slice Scarred’s arm off, scarred charged into him, knocking him down one of the huge drops. But before he could fall, ripper grabbed Scarred’s ankle pulling him with him, but Scarred held on with his remaining arm, his claws scraping the rock, but he managed to grip a hole. Now they were in a situation where neither of them could escape, Scarred tried shaking Ripper off, but Ripper had a firm grip. They growled at each other and Scarred kicked Ripper against the rocks.
Ripper was dazed but he still did not let go, he reached for his wrist console and opened the self-detonation panel, Scarred roared in anger as Ripper keyed in the code, the sequence had started, Scarred made one last attempt at something that may stop it from blowing up.
He let go!
The pair of them fell, Scarred’s plan was that the device would smash on the rocks below and not go off, but just as they were about to fall on the ground, it exploded!

The others in their different places watched as smoke and fire erupted in the distance, knowing now, that one more of their comrades had fallen.

 

[Giles]

Hey fella, your writing has come on in leaps and bounds, just been reading through it all. Are you freestyling with the sections or do you have an overall idea how it is going to progress and end? I can see the challenge you have with not trying to have them speaking "english". So far so good and keep at it.

 

[berserkerelite]

I have a fairly good idea of how i want the story to conclude, but at the moment i am still working at writing pieces to go from here, reading it back and seeing if it fits, or if its just too "human" or if i just want to save it for later. So if you had some ideas, please feel free to PM them to me, i would be really grateful for something to put in now  

Thanks again. 

 

[berserkerelite]

Time for an update! I did not know what to do next, and this is somethig that came into my head at random, and i built the next bit around it. (also at some point i will be editing through it all, better grammar, use of words etc)  Well, here it is


The flame reflected in dark blade’s red visor as he looked up in the sky at the smoke, realising one of his strongest clan members had fallen. But this did not make Dark blade feel weak or more vulnerable, this only made him angrier. He and the Serpent moved from where they were to another big tree. There they spotted a single hunter, Dark blade allowed the Serpent to take this kill.
The serpent pulled his razor whip from his belt and jumped down in front of the hunter; before he had a chance to defend himself the Serpent had already thrashed the whip around him and pulled cutting him deeply. But the hunter got up and pulled a smart disk from his holster, as the Serpent swung his whip around for a second attack, the hunter threw the disk, cutting the whip short.
Dark blade decided to intervene, he activated a device on his wrist console that launched a miniature disk cutting into the other hunters back and knocking him to the floor. The hunter crawled trying to reach his smart disk; But the Serpent pulled out a spear and finished him off.
Dark blade jumped down from the tree and re-joined the Serpent, ready now to kill the others.

Meanwhile two other hunters had killed a giant flying insect-like creature. It had a long sting at the end of it that dripped with venom, they decided to rub their spears in this, to make a kill more likely, cheating in a way, but they were outnumbered and at a disadvantage, they didn’t know this area of Yautja prime, there were only three hunter ever known to had made it out of there, one had just died in a wrist gauntlet explosion whilst fighting the badblood that nearly killed him long ago. Behind them a bad-blood sneaked up on them, they swung round and each wounded him with their spears. The blood poured out normally at first, then began to  fizz and froth, and the bad-blood dropped down on the ground in agony, because they were honourable hunters, they killed him instead of leaving him there until the poison took full effect.
They looked at him, then realised he did not have the Dark blade’s mark on him.  He was not with Dark blade, but still a bad blood. He was a Youngblood Yautja that had been brought into the bad blood way of hunting; he had not earned the mark yet. But why would Dark blade send a Youngling to kill them?
They decided to move on, but then realized why Dark blade had done this. To strip their honour! They had just killed an untrained youngling that they could have knocked down if they had known. This youngling stood no chance against them and they had killed him, the kind of thing a bad-blood would do.

 

[berserkerelite]

Another bit, and no this is not where it will end, i realised it sounded a little bit like that near to the end of this part.

And, not to worry. I am not an ideas theif, i have cleared the use of bow using bad bloods with user Tomek first.

Anyway, enough talk, more story.

The two hunters stood there, disgraced with themselves. They moved away quickly, not knowing what to do next, when suddenly one of them was showered with  arrows and killed instantly.
Two bad blood hunters holding bows appeared from the brush, standing between them was Dark blade! The archer bad bloods shot their bows again, each hitting one of the hunters legs, he dropped to the floor in agony. Dark blade approached him slowly, and knelt down beside him and clicked, the hunter growled back at him angrily, to which Dark blade stood up and rose his wrist blade in the air, but then strangely lowered it. Would the most feared bad blood of all time spare him?
No.
Dark blade grabbed the hunter by the dreads and pulled him over to a nearby tree and sat him up so his back was leaning against it, Dark blade then pulled out a spear, extended it and pierced it straight through the hunters body, but not to kill him, only to hold him there. Dark blade looked down on the hunter for a moment, then turned and walked away from him, the hunter moaned in pain and reached for his self-destruct device, but an archer bad blood shot his bow and the arrow went right through the gauntlet, making it useless. The archer then followed Dark blade back into the jungle.

Dark blade soon wandered away from his archers to hunt alone, He trusted the serpent was hunting the others, so he could get on with his own hunt. Suddenly, he was hit hard round the face, he swung round quickly, wondering what it was but he was struck again he searched and saw another hunter in cloak mode coming at him again with a Yautja axe, he kicked him back hard in the abdomen, disabling the hunters cloak. But the hunter did not land hard to let Dark blade in for the kill, he rolled and stood up, ready for a fight!

 

[DrFinebeak]

Very enjoyable story,you should make some more!